Hard at work in my finest attire.
1. Sack off standard wallpaper scrapers. These were specifically designed in the 1970’s to prolong the experience of wallpaper stripping as a punishment for those caught in public wearing tight jeans. Ensure you buy a scraper with a long handle, made of some sort of metal with a blade in it.
2. You will need a steamer. Get the biggest one you can find – mine was the size of an A4 folder.
3. Bring plasters. (See aforementioned blade.)
4. Kettle. Bring, plus tea bags, 10 litres of milk and chocolate biscuits. Labourers also enjoy pork pies and scones.
5. Bin bags. Bring tonnes of them. Enough to cover the world. Sort of.
6. Work out when bin day is to get rid of aforementioned bin bags. Try straddle the line between putting out the rubbish and fly tipping.
7. Set the tone with your nosey neighbours immediately. You don’t want a situation where you spend every day before work hopping to leave as ‘weird Brian from across the road’ talks about his piles.
8. Bring in relatives, promising them dinner. Dinner is a loose term, all encompassing to include fish and chips. They will be too tired to argue.
9. Wear mad clothes. When else will you get the chance to destroy those t-shirts of your boyfriend’s that you hate? ‘Whoops, it’s covered in emulsion.’ Classic.
10. Face masks. Not the beauty kind. The SARS kind. Wear one. Or two, for coverage. Cut eye holes if needed. Why? Get prepared to discover things that make no sense. Painted over mold. Lolly sticks and food wrappers behind the loo. A dirty rust that’s been covered up with a piece of tile. Out of sight, out of mind might work for a rental, but you need a mask and some marigolds to tackle this kind of mess before you move in.
11. Short nails. You need them. Say goodbye to any attachment to your dead growths. Talons are for birds, and have no place near plaster, heavy items to be lifted and bleach that could wipe out most first world diseases.
12. B and Q. Get a trade card. Beg /borrow and/or steal one for prices that don't leave you sobbing in the car park.
13. Measurements. Measure twice. Once to feel satisfied, twice to get it right, sometimes to within a difference of a few inches from the first time you tried. Obviously, this hasn’t been common advice, else the homeowners last of our present abode wouldn’t have fitted a children’s loo seat to a adult size toilet.
14. Camera. Bring one. Don’t forget some snaps. Hey, you have plaster in your hair and that dodgy rust has made it’s way up your legs. You’ve also got some suspicious bites on your neck and carpet burns on your knees that will be a cause of laughter if you wear a skirt for the next week. But it’s all good memories in the making.
Untill next time, when our house is in Good Homes magazine... Happy decorating!
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