Things you need to know when you are decorating

Typical man, grabbing the stepladder.

Things you need to know when you are decorating- Sort of a part two of things you need to know when you are moving house. Same topic, different day. Hey, my world is pretty small nowadays. Wait until I get the dachshund of my dreams. Oh there will be stories.

1. Dust sheets. Put them everywhere. Can’t be arsed? Fast forward to 1 week, when you are on your knees like a medieval serf, scrubbing emulsion off the linoleum. Not cool. Now you want them. Good choice.

2. Don’t paint wood gloss onto unsanded wood. The result? A sticky substance that takes 5 days PLUS to dry, which leaks and drips everywhere and looks, *scans brain for appropriate word* - shit.

3. Don’t allow nice things into your home until everyone who works as a labourer has left. Leave the bad cups, the awful glasses and your old Ipod you haven’t updated in 5 years.

4. Don’t talk to the carpet fitter as he cuts. We learnt the hard way that not paying attention, plus a Stanley blade and a ‘final cut’ became this year’s horror.

5. Get blood from aforementioned injuries off the wet gloss immediately.

6. Get some paintbrushes suitable for painting ‘paint By Numbers’ for the edges of rooms. Masking tape doesn’t work, but gives the feeling that it does. Very cunning! Note that ‘touching up’ will become a new obsession and your partner could serenade you, naked but for a mango and a box of Hotel Chocolat chocs and you will STILL gaze up at the ceiling wondering if he would be able to hand over the chocs and also get the paint out the garage so you can 'work on' the walls.

7. Get your curtains up. Nothing like introducing yourself physically to the neighbours out walking their dog as you sprint past the window, half crouching- half stood to the loo.

8. Buy a good mattress. I’m not saying £100 of Gumtree for a new bed and mattress isn’t a bargain, but the old adage, buy cheap, buy twice (or in our case, Buy Cheap, Replace Immediately) is definitely true when it comes to your tender bits and loose springs in close proximity.

9. Check everything twice. Bulbs, measurements, tool bits, paint....... Adopt a touch of OCD in your life for the best of most situations. Draw the line at clicking light switches on and off...

10. This is a great time to avoid relatives. Get your phone connected quietly and don’t tell anyone the number. This maximises the time left over to indulge in a spot of ceiling checking.

Homeowner fun. Priceless!

xx morethanakeyword xx

Things you need to know before you move house

Hard at work in my finest attire.

1. Sack off standard wallpaper scrapers. These were specifically designed in the 1970’s to prolong the experience of wallpaper stripping as a punishment for those caught in public wearing tight jeans. Ensure you buy a scraper with a long handle, made of some sort of metal with a blade in it.

2. You will need a steamer. Get the biggest one you can find – mine was the size of an A4 folder.

3. Bring plasters. (See aforementioned blade.)

4. Kettle. Bring, plus tea bags, 10 litres of milk and chocolate biscuits. Labourers also enjoy pork pies and scones.

5. Bin bags. Bring tonnes of them. Enough to cover the world. Sort of.

6. Work out when bin day is to get rid of aforementioned bin bags. Try straddle the line between putting out the rubbish and fly tipping.

7. Set the tone with your nosey neighbours immediately. You don’t want a situation where you spend every day before work hopping to leave as ‘weird Brian from across the road’ talks about his piles.

8. Bring in relatives, promising them dinner. Dinner is a loose term, all encompassing to include fish and chips. They will be too tired to argue.

9. Wear mad clothes. When else will you get the chance to destroy those t-shirts of your boyfriend’s that you hate? ‘Whoops, it’s covered in emulsion.’ Classic.

10. Face masks. Not the beauty kind. The SARS kind. Wear one. Or two, for coverage. Cut eye holes if needed. Why? Get prepared to discover things that make no sense. Painted over mold. Lolly sticks and food wrappers behind the loo. A dirty rust that’s been covered up with a piece of tile. Out of sight, out of mind might work for a rental, but you need a mask and some marigolds to tackle this kind of mess before you move in.

11. Short nails. You need them. Say goodbye to any attachment to your dead growths. Talons are for birds, and have no place near plaster, heavy items to be lifted and bleach that could wipe out most first world diseases.

12. B and Q. Get a trade card. Beg /borrow and/or steal one for prices that don't leave you sobbing in the car park.

13. Measurements. Measure twice. Once to feel satisfied, twice to get it right, sometimes to within a difference of a few inches from the first time you tried. Obviously, this hasn’t been common advice, else the homeowners last of our present abode wouldn’t have fitted a children’s loo seat to a adult size toilet.

14. Camera. Bring one. Don’t forget some snaps. Hey, you have plaster in your hair and that dodgy rust has made it’s way up your legs. You’ve also got some suspicious bites on your neck and carpet burns on your knees that will be a cause of laughter if you wear a skirt for the next week. But it’s all good memories in the making.

Untill next time, when our house is in Good Homes magazine... Happy decorating!