Things you need to know when you are decorating

Typical man, grabbing the stepladder.

Things you need to know when you are decorating- Sort of a part two of things you need to know when you are moving house. Same topic, different day. Hey, my world is pretty small nowadays. Wait until I get the dachshund of my dreams. Oh there will be stories.

1. Dust sheets. Put them everywhere. Can’t be arsed? Fast forward to 1 week, when you are on your knees like a medieval serf, scrubbing emulsion off the linoleum. Not cool. Now you want them. Good choice.

2. Don’t paint wood gloss onto unsanded wood. The result? A sticky substance that takes 5 days PLUS to dry, which leaks and drips everywhere and looks, *scans brain for appropriate word* - shit.

3. Don’t allow nice things into your home until everyone who works as a labourer has left. Leave the bad cups, the awful glasses and your old Ipod you haven’t updated in 5 years.

4. Don’t talk to the carpet fitter as he cuts. We learnt the hard way that not paying attention, plus a Stanley blade and a ‘final cut’ became this year’s horror.

5. Get blood from aforementioned injuries off the wet gloss immediately.

6. Get some paintbrushes suitable for painting ‘paint By Numbers’ for the edges of rooms. Masking tape doesn’t work, but gives the feeling that it does. Very cunning! Note that ‘touching up’ will become a new obsession and your partner could serenade you, naked but for a mango and a box of Hotel Chocolat chocs and you will STILL gaze up at the ceiling wondering if he would be able to hand over the chocs and also get the paint out the garage so you can 'work on' the walls.

7. Get your curtains up. Nothing like introducing yourself physically to the neighbours out walking their dog as you sprint past the window, half crouching- half stood to the loo.

8. Buy a good mattress. I’m not saying £100 of Gumtree for a new bed and mattress isn’t a bargain, but the old adage, buy cheap, buy twice (or in our case, Buy Cheap, Replace Immediately) is definitely true when it comes to your tender bits and loose springs in close proximity.

9. Check everything twice. Bulbs, measurements, tool bits, paint....... Adopt a touch of OCD in your life for the best of most situations. Draw the line at clicking light switches on and off...

10. This is a great time to avoid relatives. Get your phone connected quietly and don’t tell anyone the number. This maximises the time left over to indulge in a spot of ceiling checking.

Homeowner fun. Priceless!

xx morethanakeyword xx